The topsy-turvy world of National Express

I came down to London from my home in Norwich on Saturday evening on a National Express train (the only operator on the line of course) to be in town to do media interviews about British Airways on Sunday (today). No problem with that except that when I picked up my ticket and explained I was coming back on Sunday I was clearly told I could travel back on any train that day. What the NE ticket person neglected to tell me (perhaps I should have had the wit to ask) was there were no trains running from London to Norwich this Sunday! Because of track work apparently.

Anyway bright and early this morning I arrive at Liverpool Street, after doing the various media bits, but I can’t find Norwich on the destination boards.

Of course it turns out on enquiring that that’s because they’ve been cancelled for track works.

I’m told I must get a train to Stansted, then a National Express coach to Ipswich, then another National Express train to Norwich. There’s no time to think. The Stansted train is virtually pulling out. I jump on it.

It strikes me, when I arrive at Stansted, that I had better check where to find the coach. I ask at the NE info desk. The NE person on the desk can’t understand why I want a coach when I have a train ticket. Because there aren’t any trains to Norwich I say.  Yes there are she says. Oh good I say, where do I go? Oh no mate says another NE person, that’s not right. You have to get a coach. Does he (?) says the first person, I didn’t know that. Why don’t we get told anything?

Bear in mind that this is the National Express information desk for London’s third airport.

I ask, when is the next coach? I’m told 10.10am. It is now 9.30.

It strikes me suddenly that the coach bays are full of NE coaches. Surely one of them must be going directly to Norwich, as opposed to Ipswich. On checking I discover that is indeed the case.

Okay, I say brightly to the ticket office staff down on the coach park (National Express remember), it makes much more sense for me to travel direct to Norwich.

Yes, that would make sense, I’m told, but there aren’t any coaches going to Norwich.

Two staff in the ticket office, and a third supervisor whom they call over specially by mobile, all agree that there aren’t any direct coaches to Norwich.

I give up, somewhat confused, and head for the Ipswich coach bay where I mention my confusion to a small group of drivers. They all say that there are actually coaches to Norwich, but that I’m not allowed to travel on them because I’ve only got a train ticket. But I can travel on this coach with this ticket (?) I say with a sense of the absurd starting to overwhelm me.

Oh yes sir, they say, because this is going to Ipswich and it’s replacing your train journey to Ipswich.

But I don’t want to go to Ipswich I say. I want to go to Norwich. My train ticket says Norwich. The train passes through Ipswich routinely of course, but I don’t care if it normally passes through Timbuktu, because that’s not my destination. My destination is Norwich and you’ve got a National (note the word natonal) Express (note the word express) coach that’s going there, but you say I can’t go on it!

Well you can ask in the ticket office, but I don’t think they’ll buy it, I’m told.

So I run to the ticket office (because now there are only a couple of minutes before the bloody Ipswich coach leaves). Sorry to bother you again I say, but the coach drivers say there really is a National Express coach direct to Norwich. Can I get on it please?

Well, the man says, it is National Express… but it’s not our National Express.

What do you mean it’s not your National Express? It’s all National Express isn’t it?

Well sort of, says the man. It’s all one “brand”. But it’s two companies, see? They do the coaches. We do the trains. And your train ticket isn’t valid on their coaches.

Well, I say, you’re not really “doing trains” today are you, which is why you’re making me get on a coach to Timbuktu, I mean Ipswich.

Yes sir, I see your point sir, silly isn’t it?

So you are categorically saying that I can’t get on the Norwich coach even though my National Express ticket says Norwich on it, because it’s not a coach ticket? And even though I have this train ticket which I cannot use on a coach, you are still telling me to get on a coach to a town that I don’t want to go to? Have I got that right?

That’s right sir… besides which the Norwich coach left a little while ago… at 9.35.

And that (along with the mad decision to get rid of the profitable dining car on the Norwich to London train) is why I hate National Express. It is, as my grandfather would have said, no way to run a railway.

Date posted: Sunday 21st March 2010Back to news home page >